The Peloton Bribe

Last summer when I was pregnant with Ace, we were visiting Wisconsin and drove out to Cedarburg to see the Johnson family. With absolutely no forewarning, I was greeted at the door by the skinniest version of Lisa I'd seen in 15 years. It was just rude. She had 3 kids at that point and had no business at all being that thin. Especially while I was pregnant and fat!

I said Hello and WHAT THE FUCK!? And she smiled and smugly said "I got a Peloton". At that point, I didn't even know what a Peloton was and truthfully, I still really don't know much about it. Just that everyone who has one, loves it, and they are all skinny as fuck. What else do I need to know? Sign me up.

This may come as a shock to you, dear readers, but I don't "work out". I don't do gyms, I don't do classes, I definitely don't do yoga (other SAHM's are shocked to learn this and still continuously invite me), I don't do Billy Blanks tapes. I have tried all of those, over the years sporadically. And I hated them all. I got about halfway through the couch to 5k challenge and was no better for it. I have probably paid more in unused gym memberships than anyone I've ever met. After Jack was born, I officially "quit" the gym. So it's been about 4 years since I have been in a gym! I still weigh the same, maybe even less than I did before I got pregnant, so what's the point.

I always wished I could be the type of person who likes exercise. They say you just have to find an exercise you enjoy, and then it's easy. So I'm assuming I'll just love the Peloton and then I'll love exercising. Doesn't this lady look happy????? And not at all full of regrets?

Now that I'm thinking about it, I actually did take one SPIN class in college with Kaitlin. She loved spin, and talked about it all the time, and promised that her instructor was "so fun". I found out that day that I don't like SPIN classes (add it to the list) and that Kaitlin & I have very different perspectives of what "so fun" is. It was NOT so fun, and I got very sweaty and my crotch hurt for days. So maybe you're wondering, if you didn't enjoy your SPIN class, Beth, what makes you think you will ever use your Peloton? And I'll ask you, have you seen the above commercial? That lady is very clearly HAPPY and her crotch doesn't hurt AT ALL. I'm pretty sure the Peloton straps your special Peloton shoes in, and that's why it works because you can't physically escape the Peloton chains until the Peloton releases you.

I mentioned to John that I want to get a Peloton for the garage. I think he must've been remembering what a smokeshow Lisa was last summer, because initially he said yeah that's a good idea, fatty. Then I casually said they cost around 2K and he did not like the sound of that. I said we could wait until the end of January, when some poor slob's new year's resolution fails and they sell their Peloton on craigslist at a discount and say "Only been used 5 times". He said he would buy it for me, IF I wrote 20 blogs by the end of January. 20 blogs in a month and a half??! He just made a deal with the devil.

So now it's kind of like I have a job again, since I'm technically getting paid to write this blog. And John gets 20 blogs and a skinnier wife, so maybe he's the one who is the devil. The real question here, is not whether I'll write 20 blogs and get a Peloton, because I will. The question is whether I will ever actually use the Peloton or if I will be the poor slob in 3 months trying to sell a second-hand Peloton that has only been used 7 times.