Disney+
Like probably most shitty parents, I have been tuned into Disney+ damn near daily since it came out. I was so excited to watch all the classics again- and not even feel weird about it this time, because I have kids. Even though I had to force Jack to watch Lady and the Tramp or Robin Hood over goddamn Wall-E for the 300th time. Branch out, Jack. Watch these dogs eat some fucking spaghetti.
I hadn't seen some of these movies in 25+ years and found out that no one can escape the cruel passage of time. Not even.. Walt Disney. Watching these movies through adult eyes has given me a lot of opinions. I try not to ruin the "magic" for Jack; but isn't he wondering where everyone's mom is?!
1. The Little Mermaid
This was my jam when I was a kid. Loved it. The songs are still bangers. No argument there. I won't even complain about the plotline where we're forced to believe Eric falls in love with Ariel even though the bitch can't even talk(?!) because honestly I've met tons of boring, pretty girls over the years and most of them have had no problem getting married so that theme actually holds up. Don't underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE.
The thing that gets me about this movie is Ursula, the SEA WITCH! I think Ursula gets a bad rap. Yes, she was turning mer-folk into weird, sad weeds- but they signed legal contracts! She is nothing if not a law-abiding-octopus-centaur-thingy. As a kid, the only thing I really specifically remember of her is when she squeezed that little sea creature and perfectly applied the glossiest red lipstick to her big octopussy lips. Imagine my shame trying to explain this specific shade of lipstick to a Sephora employee as an adult. "You know, it's like pretty blood red, not gross. And VERY glossy. Juicy? Have you seen The Little Mermaid?"
Watching as an adult, I noticed something very interesting about Ursula and now she is my very favorite Disney character. When she realizes Eric's stupid boring ass is about to bang Ariel despite her inability to talk or- more importantly here- SING, Ursula morphs herself into a hottie with a body to break them up. Theoretically, this would mean that Ursula has the ability and the power to morph herself into a hot human woman whenever she wants, but instead prefers to spend her days as an overweight half octopus with really, really great red lipstick. What an inspiration!!!!!!
2. Lion King
I have watched enough Nat Geo stoned over the years that I can confidently say that male lions kill all cubs they come across so that they don't have competition during mating season. The whole Mufasa/Simba relationship is complete bullshit and Nala was like his half sister. Scar was the only one keepin' it real.
Still a big fan of that Elton John song though.
3. Pocahontas
This one really loses it's appeal once you grow up and learn about the brutal rapes, murders, and stealings of land. (Also Mel Gipson is a real douche). Plus I think Pocahontas was like 13 and John Smith was like 38 in real life. Hard pass.
4. Lady & the Tramp
Jack was bored by this movie almost immediately and I can't really say I disagree. I looked it up, and this movie was made in 1955! 30 years before I was born! I didn't even know they had movies back then. But, this movie is worth mentioning because it features my 2nd favorite Disney character: the chef who serves the dogs a romantic spaghetti dinner in the alley! And serenades them with a goddamn accordion! That is totally some shit I would do, and is one the cutest scenes in Disney cartoon history. Also The Tramp is a really great dog name.
5. Cinderella
Another old ass movie! This movie is less about a love story between the poor slavey step-daughter and the Prince Charming, and more about the behind-the-scenes lives of rats. Watch it again if you don't believe me.
6. Sleeping Beauty/ Snow White
I get these two plot lines mixed up. I know one has dwarves and one has fairies (??) but don't they both have evil step-mothers? And don't they both fall asleep under some sort of spell and wake up with a rapey kiss? I never was a fan of either of these when I was a kid, so I don't have much of an opinion now other than to say I think step-mothers get a bad rap and I actually really like my dad's girlfriend.
7. Beauty & The Beast
Okay, so Belle is a weirdo because she likes to read lots of books and doesn't want to fuck that egg-guzzling weirdo Gaston? Got it. But on the other hand, it's okay that she's down to raw dog a buffalo-bear-man living in a decrepit castle with talking clocks and candle sticks?? No.
Overall, I do not like the Stockholm syndrome vibes of this movie. But the songs are so fucking catchy that I force it on Jack quite frequently. We talk about consent afterwards.
8. Toy Story
Listen, I know Toy Story is Pixar but this was Jack's favorite shit for like 6 months so I have a lot of feelings about this tetralogy. First of all, well DONE on coming so far in animation over the years! Watch the first Toy Story and then watch the fourth one and just marvel at how far they have come in creation over the past 20 years. And also dare to wonder if Tom Hanks and Tim Allen even get along in real life. I doubt it.
"What's your favorite Toy Story movie?" is like my pick up line for other toddler mothers in awkward social situations. They usually just laugh uncomfortably and make up some shit like "We don't even have Disney+", but I'm just waiting for some broad to tell me, without hesitation, "Toy Story 3". Because that's IT, that's the best one.
9. Aladdin
Another motherless princess! Where is the mom? No one knows. No one cares.
Here's a FUN FACT that I just looked up on Google while trying to spell Aladdin correctly (give me a gd break), the VOICE of 1992's Aladdin is the SAME actor as Steve on Full House, DJ's teenage boyfriend. Seems so obvious now, though I could never exactly place his voice before. And maybe another lesser known fact: the voice of the Genie in 2019's Aladdin was Will Smith, who was also a Prince of sorts in the 1990's.
Anyway, this movie is about a homeless youngster who tries to bang his way to the top which is the quintessential American dream. If I had a Genie and a magic rug, I'd be in Bora Bora right now but Aladdin had eyes only for Jasmine and her tiger. Aladdin is such a sweet guy, much nicer than other leading men in Disney movies. And do you know why? Because he's poor and he's learned empathy. Eat the rich.